Coeur d'Alene, Our New Home~

Journaling is my therapy... so, I am sure you will notice the way I pour my heart out sometimes. 

This is one of those times. :)

 It turns out, finding a place for our family was one of the most important, pressing, exhausting and stressful decisions of my life. 

During the process, there is always so much to learn. 

I'd love to share a little bit of the story on how Coeur d'Alene Idaho was chosen to be our new home.

After the defeat and disappointment of Albuquerque Justin had received an e-mail from his hospital director about a position open in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. 

Justin called me, we looked it up, thought about it a lot, and then decided to look into it. 

Justin networked with the Dr and his staff quite a bit, and then was offered a trip out to check out the practice. 

From every thing we had learned, CdA had every thing to offer that we were looking for. Potential to stay, close to home, a good place to raise our family, solid job, ect... 

All that was left was to meet the Dr in person, check out the area, and see if it was a good fit. 

We made the trip with our baby Loren along side. 

We arrived in Spokane late, and to our great surprise were greeted by about 5 staff members. 

We were impressed that they would leave their families late at night in order to greet us at the airport. All expenses were covered for our trip, which was also beyond impressive... especially after the way we had been treated by other potential employers. 

We made it to the hotel that night and crashed by 2am, only to be up again by 6 the next morning. 

The next day we were escorted around by the office manager, Amy. 

She picked us up at the hotel and took us to the first office in Post Falls. J

ustin was able to spend the morning there seeing how things ran and talking with staff. 

I kept Loren entertained until it was time to go again. 

Before heading to lunch Amy took us to see the main office to see where Justin would be working and to meet Dr Loftus. 

As we pulled into the parking lot we were shocked to see Justin's name and a greeting up on the side of the building! 

Dr Loftus had gone all out. 

There was a professionally made banner welcoming Dr Madsen to the Practice. 

We could hardly believe our eyes. This was unlike any experience we had ever had, and we were feeling like the red carpet was rolled out in front of us. 

We greatly appreciated the efforts that were being made on our behalf. 

 Once again, it left us all too impressed. 

The entire staff came out to dinner that night.
We were treated to dinner that night at a floating restaurant on the water.
The views from everywhere we stood were spectacular.
We could hardly believe this place, and all it had to offer. 

It felt almost custom made and tailer designed for all the hopes we held high. 

That night at dinner Loren was truly miserable. :(
We knew she was tired from all the traveling around, but the poor baby couldn't catch a break.
She was unhappy at the restaurant, and didn't want to eat. She fussed and cried all the way through dinner to the point where I needed to take her back to the hotel to sleep.
I was disappointed that I wasn't able to stay and enjoy the group,
but Loren's needs were more important.
I took her back to the hotel and she was sound asleep right away. 

Dr Loftus brought Justin back to the hotel, and the two of them sat in the Lobby to talk about the details of the practice.
As we were getting ready for bed, Loren woke up crying uncomfortably.
She was on fire from a high fever, and struggling to breath. I called my aunt Melissa who is the nurse for our pediatrician, and let her know what was happening.
She was very concerned, and recommended we take Loren to the Emergency room right away. 

Without hesitation we were on our way.
I called the front desk and asked them to write down directions to the hospital so I could pick them up on my way down the elevator. 

Luckily, the hospital was near by and we were seen right away. 

Loren was given test after test after test... to the point where the whole event was becoming quite traumatizing.
We felt so badly for our little angel. She was so sick. :(

Finally, at 3 am, we were allowed to leave.
We were told that Loren had something called bacteremia, which happens when bacteria contaminates the blood stream. 

We were grateful to have had her seen, as it could have been very serious. 

Large travel is not for little ones!

The next day we had a full schedule and had no choice other than to take advantage of our time in Coeur d'Alene. 

We met with a realtor who was willing to show us all around. 

I wanted to stay close to my sweet baby Loren so I could monitor her sleep and breathing.

 She slept during our whole outing which gave us the chance to fully take in the different areas. 

Wished I was holding her in my arms...

We woke up on a Sunday and prepared to fly home. 

Before our bags were packed that morning, Justin had sent Dr Loftus an email thanking him for the wonderful trip and accepting the wonderful opportunity to partner with the practice. 

He felt right, he was at peace, and so he moved forward with his decision. 

By the time we landed in Salt Lake Justin had a response in his hand welcoming him to the Loftus Family Dental Practice! 

We embraced one another, and shared the excitement of this moment. 

We had found it! 

A job, and a wonderful place to move our family! 

What more could we ask for?! 

We felt wonderful, but most of all, we were at peace!

When we left Spokane that day I couldn't wait to come back. 

We shared our news with family once we returned home, and quickly started mapping out our plans for the move and acceptance of the position. 

Still so much to do...

***

Before the acceptance of the job came the great trial of our faith. 

So many nights were filled with wondering what the future had in store. 

Our hearts and our minds never did rest. 

It became hard as we wondered so deeply, 'what does the future hold????' 

After praying for many months, I felt a soft prompting one day (the first real direction I had felt!) which I shared with Justin when he came home from work that night. 

I felt the spirit whisper the importance of our couple's prayers. 

We always say our prayers together, but I felt that we needed to be doing a better job of showing our respect and sincerity by kneeling hand in hand next to one another while we prayed.

I also felt that it was crucially important that one of us be attending the temple every Saturday. 

These may not have been the 'answers' Justin was hoping for, but we put our plan into action right away.  

I started wondering if my thoughts were mine, or maybe even Satan had found his way in to whisper deceitful truths of his own. 

I wondered if I had clouded my judgement with the things I thought I wanted instead of seeing clearly the things that were best for me. 

I thought I knew what we were searching for was best for our family, but after searching for so long without answers I started second guessing myself.  

I wanted and needed clarity. 

I wanted and needed to feel peace. 

I wanted to feel close to my Father in Heaven and needed to know He truly is leading me where He wants me to go. 

I also knew I needed to do my part once I felt instructed, so, I headed to the temple for a session alone, knowing I could take my time, and feel the spirit there. 

I went not knowing what to expect, but the second I walked through the temple doors I was HIT with a wave of the spirit. 

I came over my body, and I immediately felt emotional.. I literally was not even into the dressing room yet. 

The spirit spoke to me instantly saying softly but with power 'you need to go.' 

You need to go in order to have the experiences you desire. 

~ My thoughts turned to the Halifax temple. 

I thought of the many quiet, precious moments I experienced there. 

The kind of moments that have made me who I am today.

 I thought of those loving friends and members I came to know and love, and pictured their sweet faces greeting me as I entered the sacred walls of their quiet Temple. ~

 I looked around me to feel the hustle bustle of the Jordan River Temple in the heart of South Jordan, Utah. 

It's a miraculous work that they organize there each day! 

But, for me, I felt it harder to have the same connection that I could make in the peaceful quiet of Nova Scotia. 

By the time I reached my locker I was already talking myself out of my spiritual impressions. 

I must just be excited to be at the temple and feeling the spirit here.

 'There is no way I have received an answer that clear already, I barely entered the door'... and so on. 

Just as quickly as I dismissed the feeling it returned with greater power. 

I felt that burning in my heart again. 

My eyes welled up and my chest started pounding. 

This time, I tried to hold on to this feeling and let it testify to my heart. 

I closed my eyes and listened to it. 

I finished getting dressed and headed into my session. 

The temple was very full, but I tried to focus on my objective for being there. 

I closed my eyes and began to pray. 

When I finished a prayer I said another.

 Every time I opened my eyes, I just had to close them again. 

I needed my prayers to be heard tonight. I needed to have help.. something... anything to help me understand where we are going from here. 

I watched and listened in the temple intently searching for answers.. wondering if something that was said could be an answer to my prayer. 

At the end of the session when I had made it into the celestial room I felt nearly nothing. 

My head was clear and quiet, not stirring with confusion, but I didn't feel like I knew any better than when I came what the Lord might have me know. 

 I bowed my head and I began to pray once more. 

I didn't look up for a long while, just stayed, and listened. 

Since nothing was coming to me, I thought for a minute that maybe I should go read from the scriptures over on the desk. 

 The room had gone quiet by now, and I knew that if I moved it would draw attention to myself, so I talked myself out of it. 

Until that feeling to read the scriptures returned to me again, and this time I recognized it as a prompting... I'm sorry the spirit has to clock me on the head!!!

This time, without hesitation, I quickly obeyed!

Now, you have to understand, I don't have these whisperings everyday. 

And, I do think the Lord knows how stubborn I can be, and probably knew I wasn't going anywhere until I received some guidance. 

When I went over to the Scriptures, I didn't know where to start, but I just began...

It didn't take long before I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants and the words from the verses started speaking right to me... 

D&C 6: 14-15

'Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. 

Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth. 

That was all I needed. 

He led me to His voice in exactly the way I needed to hear it. 

It was so clear, so honest and direct. 

He told me that I was blessed for asking, and that as often as I have asked, He has instructed me!

 And if that were not the case, then I wouldn't have come to the Temple, like I had felt led to do! 

He gave me confidence to know I can trust the things I am feeling, and to know they are from Him.

I knew this was my own small miracle. 

I shut the scriptures and sat there for a moment smiling to myself, almost certain the look of wonder and awe must be written on my face.  I know this wasn't a earth shacking experience, but that was why it felt even more profound to me. It was so completely simple and clear ~ It almost felt more personal that way. I truly felt led to those verses. I can not deny that. They were written in a way that helped me find the answer I was looking for in a way that told me how much my Father in Heaven knows me. Almost with a little bit of humor and frustration beneath the words... like He had to repeat himself just so I would get it! :) Man, he knows me well. 

The good news is, The message got through my thick skull, and I was able to leave that night KNOWING we were on the right track! 

We still didn't know where we were going, ha! 

But, at least we knew we were being led! 

At least we knew that everything we had felt up to this point WAS the spirit... we weren't walking blindly. 

Moving forward, there was NO confusion. Only Confidence. 

NO fear. Only Hope. 

The future was starting to look brighter. 

Dang. I wish I wasn't such a roller coaster ride though.. because soon all that confidence and faith flew out the window. 

And as real life would have it, my pride walked in. 

We planned a house hunting trip to Cd'A, and it didn't help that Arlee ended up getting married while we were gone. 

I don't think I am usually difficult to deal with, but missing her wedding made me feel devastated! 

I sobbed for an entire day trying to change our travel plans around in order to be there for her. 

But, it just wasn't in the cards. :(  

Justin and I also talked over our plans about where to live and realized we were way too stressed trying to get into a home. 

I had to start eating my humble pie, because once again I felt devastated about all my hard work looking for real estate going out the window. 

I felt sick to my stomach over the thought of moving our family into a condo or apartment, but that was the reality we were facing. 

On this trip we flew solo. I made plans for the kids to be with family back home. It took an army to do my job while I was away, and that whole production just stresses me out. 

We were up by 4, to the airport by 6, and already feeling more than wiped out. 

By 6:30am I was already getting the Mother's curse for leaving... Miley was awake throwing up which meant we needed more help.

 I was the wake up call for everyone I knew that morning asking for someone/anyone to come and stay with Miley for the day. 

We arrived in Spokane at 2:30, and raced to appointments starting at 3.. 

Each apartment we went through made me feel more and more uncomfortable. 

I kept comparing places in my mind (SLC to Cd'A etc.. Which I know I shouldn't do!) 

I needed my pride to dissolve so I could start seeing things better for what they were, instead of what they weren't... So far, it just wasn't working. 

For one reason or another, the details of the apartments just weren't coming together. 

Not available when we need them. Not enough room, on the wrong level, etc...

I started to feel sick. I just couldn't picture our family here! :( 

One of the problems I have is holding in the tears WAY too long. I try to put on the brave, strong face.. but after a while it can become too much. Justin could tell this is what was happening, and so he told me to just let it out. And boy, did it fly~~~

Once my emotions started flying there was no going back. 

I sobbed uncontrollably.

I told him everything I was feeling. All the frustrations and feelings and fears. 

He listened. I was a wreck, and I COULD NOT pull it together. 

We were on our way to dinner before I stated melting down. By the time we were at the restaurant, I still didn't have a handle on things.  

I was embarrassed to be seen in public having such an emotional breakdown, but by the same token, I was glad to be away, and alone with my sweetie, who was so willing to be there for me when I needed it. 

We were seated for dinner. 

The poor waitress was probably worried about this battered wife.. ;) And poor Justin had to deal with all the stares in his direction. I didn't care what people where thinking though, because in reality.. My sweetheart was being there for me. Listening patiently to me and letting me have my moment of heartache. I POURED my heart out to him, and we had a very serious come to Jesus about our situation. 'Should we even take this job? Why are we really moving away? Are we forcing things to fit? What do we really want? Is this the right thing to do?'

I expressed to him my biggest desires and deepest fears... only wanting to do what is right!!

Sitting across from us at dinner was an older couple. They got up to leave after they had finished their meals, and I saw the woman hesitate for a moment by our table, and then she sat quickly sat down at our booth! 

She said, 'I don't know what you are going through, but God does. And I want you to know, I am praying for you, and I know it is all going to work out.' 

It felt like a little angel was sent down to whisper a reminder that all will be well. 

She was VERY sweet, and so sincere. Her words were true! And they meant the world. 

I told her how much I appreciated her taking the time to say that to me, a complete stranger. 

I could hardly believe she would step outside her box and into mine to express her words of faith. 

I believe she did say a prayer on my behalf, because after my encounter with her I began to settle down, and started to feel better. 

More kindness came our way when our sweet waitress offered a delicious desert on the house. 

All you have to do is have a major meltdown in a restaurant, and everyone starts catering to you!! ;)

Tears turned to fits of laughter when we were brought 'the chocolate meltdown...' perfect for any meltdown occasion. ;)

Our waitress was very thoughtful, and I could tell she cared. She wrote this little note on our receipt as well reminding me to smile. :)

Although I was embarrassed to be having this emotional breakdown in public, it shed a very bright light on the community of people here in Coeur d'Alene. 

No better way to experience it than with raw emotion. ;)

I thought long and hard and realized there has only been one other time in my life when I felt this scared. 

I recognized the feelings I was having because I have been through this before, and knew what I needed to do from here. 

Deciding to marry Justin was the biggest decision of my life. I remember well the anxiety, panic attacks, heartache and pain, and most of all, the FEAR. 

I was terrified of making the wrong choice, and terrified of not seeing the right one if it were right in front of me. 

Ultimately, it came down to a leap of faith. 

I had to trust in my Father in Heaven that He knew me, and knew what I needed. 

Thankfully I choose well, and the Lord paid big time. 

Choosing to mary Justin was the best decision of my life. 

I compare this move to that time in my life because it's similar.. change, the unknown, and a big choice. 

I have felt the effects in my life of how ONE decision can change everything. 

This time, however, I have the weight of my children's future on my shoulders, and know what ever we choose will effect the rest of their lives. 

I was once again terrified of choosing the wrong path, and equally as scared and paralyzed of not taking the right one.

I knew what was left for me to do ~ Take that leap of faith.  

I thought about the decisions that are made in righteousness and when we are doing our very best to align our lives with the will of the Father, compared to when we are off course, full of pride and misdirection. 

Justin and I have tried with all our hearts to do what is right. 

We have tried with all that we are to make the best choice for our family, considering ALL their many needs. We have fasted and prayed, and our every thought has turned toward our Savior in hopes to follow Him. 

Our greatest desire is to raise our family right, and to give them every opportunity to be happy. 

Feeling humbled, I was able to feel at peace, and know that I can do this! 

Soon, the dark clouds parted, and I was able to see the light again. 

We set off on a mission once again to find a place to call home for our family. 

And this time, I was ready. 

Justin and I in front of Lake Coeur d'Alene~~

When we had visited Cd'A before, I remember being gravitated toward an area called Coeur d'Alene Place. A lot of the schools are in the area as well as the Stake Center. 

We didn't know what kind of housing would be in our price range, but we decided to focus our efforts there since we liked the area, and it was somewhere we could picture ourselves living. 

As soon as we drove through we spotted a couple of town homes for sale. 

We didn't know anything about them, so we decided to call and get more information. 

Within a half hour we were with the realtor going through this home and feeling very good about it. 

Buying this space would cost us less than renting any other. It gave us everything we were looking for in terms of space, appliances, garage, entry etc.. it made all the sense in the world. 

The home is well kept and nice. It could suit our family's needs for a few years while we got our feet on the ground. It didn't take us long before we decided to put an offer in on the house. 

We found ourselves in the middle of a bidding war, but thanks to the help of our realtor and of course the hand of the Lord we were able to get the home! 

Our trip had been extremely successful, and we returned home feeling accomplished and ready to take on the challenges of the move and the changes that lay ahead.

I often felt as if someone needed to pinch me. Coeur d'Alene had everything we had ever asked or hoped for. 

It is beautiful. Within a days drive of home. A part of the mission field. A great company for Justin to work for. Good schools for the kids. A wonderful community to raise our children. Outdoor recreation galore, and more! 

I started realizing that CdA was everything I wanted Helena to be, that it wasn't. I painted a picture of what Helena would be like based on how it sounded, but once we got there it was nothing like I had imagined.... and I had no desire to ever visit again. It was a huge let down, and we left disappointed. Here in Northern Idaho, it feels and actually IS even better than it ever sounded. 

I felt a great amount of stress leave me once we decided where we were headed, and had our plan in motion. Mom would often ask me as the days went by.. how are you feeling? What are you going through?... And I would just respond with 'good!' 

Everything WAS feeling good. I didn't have too much to say or not say.. It was just happening. 

So, before we knew it, we were moving forward. Our year in Utah had come to an end. Our endless job search had finally had it's grand finale. 

So here we are. 

Coeur d'Alene, Idaho~

We already love you, because we chose you. 

We have struggled for many long years, and now it is time for the summer season of our lives. 

It's time to have more fun. Be more carefree, and focus on the things that make us happy. 

Bring it on. And let the adventures begin~